I treat red flags like decoration

My “motivational speech” is just more sarcasm.

I believe in balance: one snack, two naps.

I take “me time” very seriously—like, all day.

I don’t need coffee—I am coffee with anxiety.

I collect regrets like they’re souvenirs.

Emotionally unavailable but always online.

My favorite sport is avoiding human interaction.

When you sneeze in a Zoom call and become the main attraction.

I eat salad… on my burger… so it counts, right?

Me walking into a room and forgetting why. Classic side quest.

Life tip: If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Every mirror in my house avoids eye contact now.

If my life had a soundtrack, it would be a buffering noise.

I wake up tired from dreams that overworked me.”

My soulmate is probably stuck in traffic.

I googled ‘inner peace’ and ended up on a pizza website.”

My mind has 78 tabs open, and none of them are useful.

Every mirror in my house is a jump scare.

I’m multitasking — messing up everything at once.