Sometimes I wonder if my bed misses me too.

My reply speed depends on how much I like you… and if I saw the message.

Why work out when I can just stress-sweat?

My only cardio is running out of patience.

I'm not ignoring you. I’m just socially buffering.

Me opening the fridge for the 8th time like a slot machine.

Every mirror in this house is broken. Must be.

I need a six-month vacation twice a year.

Why does sleep only hit right when it’s time to wake up?

Me before a call: “Please cancel.”

Being an adult is mostly googling how to do things.

I have nothing to wear. Said while standing in a sea of clothes.

I plan revenge with snack breaks.

I shop like my bank account is imaginary.

I react to compliments like error messages.

I believe in signs, especially "closed."

I sabotage my own sleep like it’s a hobby.

I compliment food more than people.

I hoard screenshots like secrets.

I rehearse small talk like it’s a TED Talk.