My brain: “We need to sleep.” Also my brain: “Let’s remember every embarrassing thing from 2009.”

I tried to be a morning person, but mornings were like, “Nah.”

My hobbies include overthinking and guessing the WiFi password.

Every day I tell myself “Don’t be dramatic” and then dramatically stare out the window.

When someone says "act normal" and your brain forgets what that means.

Me: I’m on a diet. Also me: Eating cake in the dark like a raccoon.

If sleeping was a profession, I’d be CEO.

My bank account said “LOL” when I checked it today.

My motivation is on vacation. Not sure when it’s coming back.

That awkward moment when you wave back at someone who wasn’t waving at you.

“I’ll just check one message”—said every person 2 hours before disappearing into the internet.

Me: I’m going to sleep early tonight Also me at 3am: “What if penguins had jobs?”

I eat emotions with extra cheese.

I treat deadlines like dares.

I zone out like it’s a coping strategy.

I lose focus faster than a goldfish.

I leave parties mentally before I arrive

I watch one episode and suddenly it’s tomorrow.

I attend meetings with my camera off and soul gone.

I scroll faster than my will to live.