Teacher: No calculators in real life. Me: *Opens calculator app*

The ocean’s closed for maintenance.

Am I?

Normal food? Nah. Rubber dinosaur tail? Delicious.

Plot twist: he’s now my Uber driver.

Her: hugs. Him: roast.

If one person touches their phone, I’m never aux-ing again.

Broke zero bones falling off a roof. Threw out my back sleeping diagonally.

If I laugh at his jokes maybe I’ll live.

From birthday candles to Botox needles, cheers to 40!

In your head: velvet. On tape: goblin.

The calm before the “I’M LATE” storm.

Why they gotta use my worst angle though.

False advertising at its finest.

Kanye trending? Lord, not again.

From graphic tee to tragic tee in 7 days.

Dog: pedigree. Cat: mystery.

They used to throw hands, now they throw candy.

RIP Pope Francis.

April 20th be like: whose day is it really?