I pretend I’m busy just to scroll.

I fear group calls more than horror movies.

I treat laziness like an art form.

I make jokes to avoid emotions.

I google things I should already know.

I overreact with confidence.

I dance better in my head.

I update my phone, not my life.

I socialize through memes only.

I wave at pets before people.

I blinked and my will to function disappeared.

I run from responsibilities like they’re exes.

I overthink text bubbles like horoscopes.

I miss when “homework” meant coloring.

I laugh to hide my internet addiction.

I avoid red flags like they’re spicy memes.

I googled my symptoms. Turns out I just need a nap.

Current status: Still not rich. Still hilarious.

I whisper ‘what the hell’ to myself at least 20 times a day.

Said ‘I’ll do it later.’ It’s been 3 years.